


bloom

by Squidbitch



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Arguing, Closure, Crying, Juno Steel Needs a Hug, Manipulation, Nausea, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Domestic Violence, Past Infidelity, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Unhealthy Relationships, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squidbitch/pseuds/Squidbitch
Summary: Juno honestly didn't think he'd ever see them again.Why would he? He never even thought he'd be off Mars, and Diamond said they'd be going off world into the outer rim.There are billions of people out in the stars, and he just had to run into them? Why did it have to be them?
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko & Juno Steel, Diamond/Juno steel(past), Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 20
Kudos: 391





	1. you think you're wanted here.

**Author's Note:**

> So about a week ago I had a chat with an old ex boyfriend of mine, and it didn't go great. He was one of my friends' girlfriends friends and was brought over to my apartment. There was this whole big blow up and I just wanted to write a vent fic about it mostly. And here we are! Ah, it's 2020 and I'm already back on my bullshit. 
> 
> Trigger warnings are:  
> Mentions of domestic violence.  
> Mentions of rape (this happened while Juno was in the relationship so he feels kinda uh)  
> Mentions of pressured sex (which is also rape but it's a separate category)  
> Victim blaming  
> Mentions of flashbacks  
> Dissociation  
> Gross age gaps  
> Very brief mentions of drugs.  
> Just... A lot of manipulation.

Juno is running, and he loves this part. The in between, the breaking point on whether he succeeds at his mission or not. He's ran far enough away from the guards that they won't be able to see him in the hallway. He opens the window at the end of it, but closes himself in the tiny closet a few doors down from it. Buddy told him he couldn't leave until the party was over, or at least until she and Nureyev were done with their own missions during the heist for some backup firepower. Buddy planting smoke bombs, and Nureyev pretending to strike a deal with a politician so that he can get their bank account number. They're frankly very paranoid. 

Meanwhile, Juno just had to make sure the guards had their minds elsewhere. He stole a small artefact from a private room, one they can have blocked off from the party until it all blows over. He led the guards away from the party, and started running where it was only them. That way, the party can go on, per request of the hostess, who it doesn't seem would stop a party this big if the planet were about to be swallowed by a black hole. 

_"He went through the damn window!"_

He can hear them all scramble to leave, and he counts the pairs of footprints. 

" _Nice work Juno_ ," Buddy's voice crackles through the comm in his ear. " _Only one guard left, and she's guarding your hallway. My dear, I'm almost impressed_."

Peter sighs like a soap opera character. " _I am. Beautifully done, but that's my dear wife for you."_

" _Keep it in the bedroom, Ransom._ " Buddy tells him. " _Thank you, Juno._ "

"You can save that for whenever we pull this off." Juno laughs quietly. 

Juno leans against the door, his eye closed to take a breath. In the dim amount of light seeping in through the closet, he sees someone. He recognizes them the more he looks. 

"Is that-Juno?" Diamond's voice breaks through in the dark. 

Juno feels his stomach drop, his skin crawl. "Diamond." 

They look like themself. Of course they do. Older, definitely older than when Juno was twenty-five. Their hair, which, as far as Juno had known them had always been red now, has white streaks. They have all these lines on their face, and such. 

"What are you doing here?" They ask.

Juno stumbles over his words. "I-I was-it's-"

They frown. "And why are you off Mars? I thought you were going to spend the rest of your life getting high and letting anyone who showed interest fuck you on that shitty planet." Smooth baritone, and hard speech. Juno used to think their voice was sexy. Now it sort of makes him want to puke.

Juno hugs himself around his middle, finally finding his voice, though quiet. "I decided Mars wasn't worth it anymore." 

Diamond snorts. "You gave up? That doesn't sound like the Juno I know."

"I didn't _give up._ " He snaps. 

They put their hands up. "Sure. Fine, you didn't give up."

Juno plays with the strap of his dress to give his hands something to do. "Why are you here anyways? In this closet. Doesn't seem like your kinda joint."

They frown deeper. "I came here to calm down, and try to be less angry at my wife. It isn't good to have arguments in public."

They never had that problem with _him._ Juno thinks idly. They would yell at him just shopping, or slap him across the face on the public transport before Juno got a car. It wouldn't ever matter if they were around other people, or if Juno thought it was really embarrassing. They would just _do it_ , make Juno feel worthless in front of everyone, but he thought he'd have to deal with it because he loved them. 

That was his excuse for them a lot back then. Just a plethora of, " _I love them too much to break up with them over something like this._ "

"You've been quiet." They say. "That's unlike you." For some reason Juno can almost hear Ma's voice saying, _normally you talk my ear off._ "Are you jealous at hearing I have a wife? Something you never got to be?"

And yeah, that hurts, because it's an open wound. The long dead hope to be loved by them forever. It makes him want to cry a little.

But Juno looks up at them, searches their face, searches for what he must have seen when they started dating. When Juno was freshly eighteen and they were twenty-four and Diamond officially asked Juno to date them. Maybe when they'd first started fucking. When Juno was sixteen, and they were twenty-two, and Juno was having a lot of casual sex with a lot of people. Jesus, he didn't really realize how fucked up that was until just now, how much older they were than him at the time. He fucking remembers joking with them, telling them they we're getting old. He looks them square in the face. The person that abused him, groomed him, cheated on him, raped him, goaded him into self harming when he was trying to stop, kicked him when he was down.

He genuinely considers what they say. Is he jealous? Really, truly, thinking about them loving another person? "No." He says, almost surprised to know he means it. "Not in the least, actually."

They roll their eyes. Blue eyes. Cold like ice. "Must not be monogamous, then. Wish I'd known that when all that shit went down for our wedding." Their words have a bite to them. 

Juno scoffs. "Nope, still very very monogamous. Not that you actually ever fucking cared." Not that being polyamorous excuses cheating. Diamond probably wouldn't give a shit about the difference.

Their eyes flare with anger, and Juno steps back a little farther from them. That's the expression they got right before they always hit him. "I only cheated on you _once_. It wasn't even worth it."

"The day before _our goddamn wedding, Diamond._ " He's forced to keep his voice down, so the guard doesn't hear him. 

They just get even angrier. "You wouldn't have sex with me!"

And Juno remembers.

He always has it in the back of his mind. Before he had the THEIA Soul removed, he never cared about his body. Self preservation wasn't really an instinct for him. So he always just let people do whatever they wanted to him. It didn't matter what he wanted. Sometimes he would reason with it, thinking to himself, " _Doing good, that's what you're for_." There were a lot of times that Diamond would make him do things he didn't want to, tell him if he really loved them then he would. At the time, Juno hardly cared about that. Still, they weren't supposed to be like assholes from bars, old drug dealers, or creeps that were supposed to be friends. They weren't supposed to hold him down, and force him. They weren't supposed to make Juno feel like he had to fight them off, only to fail. They weren't supposed to make him feel so humiliated. Juno loved them, and he wanted to believe they loved him too. He thought if that were true then he wouldn't have to experience that with them. 

One night, a few days before their wedding, before Diamond fucked his coworker and all that, Juno said no, and meant it. He couldn't that night, his emotions were strung high with the wedding coming up, and he'd been having flashbacks all day to nights he couldn't remember, and he couldn't do it. Diamond held him down, and didn't care how much Juno fought and struggled until he was too tired, and dissociating too much to struggle very well in the first place. He remembers crying and begging them to stop. Looking back now, with Peter Nureyev, and how finicky he is about consent, how Juno would literally be having the time of his goddamn life just to hear him ask if he's okay, or if he feels good, he realizes just how bad that was. Afterwards, Juno had a panic attack, and scrubbed his body till he bled. Then when Juno got out of the shower, he looked them in the eyes and said, " _If you_ **_ever_ ** _do that to me again, we're done. I'm fucking serious this time."_ That night, they held him when he cried, and cried with him. Now, Juno can't believe he thought that was enough. Can't believe he thought that them feeling sorry could make up for it. 

Juno feels like he might throw up. Feels himself dipping just slightly out of reality. He focuses on his feet on the ground. Gravity makes him feel, well, grounded sometimes. "That doesn't mean you can cheat on people. None of that was my fault, and you can't blame it on me. You left me. Alone, thinking we were finally going to be happy together. You can't undo that."

They look like they want to argue. They probably want to tell him that it is his fault. It doesn't matter anyways. Juno feels too exhausted to deal with their manipulation. "Juno," They say.

He just sighs. "What the hell do you want?"

They look like they want to get angry. Instead they shake their head. "I left you because I couldn't deal with the guilt of cheating on you." They admitted. "Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Honestly? No, it doesn't. Newsflash Diamond, I'm never taking you back again just because you feel sorry for yourself. I did that the entire goddamn time we were dating." He taps his foot anxiously. He's glad no one has been talking on the line. They're both probably so busy that they haven't been listening. 

"You're just as beautiful as the day I left. You know that? You're ageless, aren't you?"

Juno feels sick. There was a time when hearing Diamond flirt with him would have made him feel impossibly giddy and happy. Now it make him want to curl in on himself. There's a growl in Juno's throat, but in his ear, he finally hears a voice. 

It's Buddy. " _Juno, my dear friend,"_ She sounds very apologetic. Extremely so, like she's actually worried about him. He isn't sure he's heard any emotion other than confidence from her unless it was about Vespa. It's so much of a relief to hear her voice. " _I have to say that I'm so so sorry for not speaking, I had to deal with this horrible woman asking so many questions. Are you alright? I heard someone in the room with you."_ A vague way of saying she heard every word.

"I'm fine." He tells her. "Are we almost done? Please tell me that we're almost done."

" _Quite. Ransom is trying his best to secure his deal, but they're so paranoid. However, he seems like he's about to give up completely. I think he's heard your little conversation much more than he likes_."

"Who the hell are you talking to?" Diamond grits out.

Juno ignores them completely. "Don't let him, we need to drain that asshole. I'm not all that surprised Ransom almost can't get them to budge. Even Rita can't get through it without at least a few digits of the password."

"Who's Ransom?"

Juno spares them a quick glance. "My boyfriend." 

They look abashed. Juno almost feels happy about that. That he can show them how much he's grown, how happy he's become without them. That they never had a hand in it. They only dragged him down. 

" _Juno, we can shoot our way out to get to you if you'd like, but most of the guards have returned, and your other half isn't done yet. If you're in any danger, please tell me_." It almost seems like that's the route she wants to go. 

"I'm fine. This isn't ideal, but you need to be out there with Ransom. He needs to finish up. Just promise me it'll be quick." He sighs. 

She sounds sympathetic and hesitant. " _I promise, love. If anything changes, tell me, I'm practically right there with you."_

Diamond is saying something, but he ignores them. "Thank you." Juno says. He might cry with how grateful he is. "Thank you so much, I'll definitely tell you if anything goes any more wrong."

" _I'm right on the line with you, Juno_."

They're so angry looking, Juno has to keep reminding himself that he's safe. Maybe not _really_. There's a guard somewhere in the hallway, who wants to kill him. He's a wanted criminal around a hundred star systems, and he's in a closet with his abusive ex. 

Still, Buddy and Nureyev care, and they're not too far away. 

"If we're stuck here together, then at least talk to me." They look Juno up and down like he's disappointing them. 

" _You_ can leave whenever you want."

"I can't, actually, it sounds like you're up to some shady business. If they see me walk out, and find you here, they'll think we're accomplices. I don't want to get mixed up in all of it." They look like they want to say more but they hesitate. 

He furrows his brow. "If I can't get you to shut up, then can you just _fucking say it._ "

They stiffen a little, and Juno flinches. "All the time, I think about what we could have done. Who we could have been. Don't you?"

"I used to." Juno admits. "Not anymore." 

They shake their head. "I am right now. Give me another chance. What do you have to lose?"

Juno clenches his jaw at that, and steps forward so they can't see anything but him. So they know who the hell they're talking to. "Fucking _everything,_ Diamond. Do you understand me? I've worked too hard with my friends and my boyfriend to build a family that I love, and that loves me."

They laugh. "Do you really believe that?" There's a quirk of a smile on their face. "No one could ever love you like I do, Juno. They're playing with you." They look so confident in that, it kind of hurts. He shouldn't care what they think, the asshole. Still, it's hard to believe that someone loves him even with all the evidence stacked against what they're saying. 

He knows there are tears in his eye. "I really do. And I love them more than you're probably capable of."

They scoff. "Like I've never shown you kindness." A roll of their eyes. 

And that's just _it._

Juno just can't take listening to them anymore.

"You hit me!" Juno struggles to keep his voice down, but he's crying. He's kept most of it at bay until now, but it's hitting him full force. Their self righteousness, their bullshit, that makes Juno really wonder how he ever loved them in the first place. "I didn't even know that was a bad thing until Rita told me! And you _raped me_ . A few days before you left me at the altar. I was already having flashbacks, and you just held me down-and-and- I couldn't breathe- and I kept _asking_ you to stop. _Why_ did I put up with it? Why did I still want to marry you after _that,_ and after you _pressured_ me so fucking often?!" He's hyperventilating now. 

" _This_ is one of the reasons I use to hit you, Juno. You always start panicking like this when we have a serious conversation. And you wouldn't even give me a reason that night. I remember how busy you were with your fucking _job_ , and getting high with your friends, probably cheating on me anyways. God knows how much of a _whore_ you were back then. But Juno that's _all in the past_ ! I hate it here! Your family doesn't love you, there's no reason _why not._ " They step closer.

"Shut up!" Juno snaps. He sobs hard. "Shut the fuck up!" 

Buddy, over the comms comes through. " _Juno, Ransom just- he sealed the deal. We're coming, please hang on. I'm so sorry, we had no idea, Juno, I never should have-"_

"I don't care." He tells the comms. He gets in Diamonds face. He chokes for a second, their sweat makes him nauseous, and his crying makes his throat thick. He doesn't care if they see how upset he is, the effect they've had on him. They deserve to know how horrible they made someone feel. He's going to completely lose his grip on reality in a second. He can feel it in the slight dissociation. He can't tell where his hands are, or where his legs end. Floating outside of his own body. Still, he needs to say this. "You? Really? The person who use to hit me every fucking night, who cheated on me with my goddamn coworker because I didn't put out enough, who tried to make me think it was _my fault_ that you assaulted me, who left me _alone_ at an alter we were supposed to share, and is fucking telling me my friends and family don't love me because you're fucking selfish? Why the fuck would I ever want to be with you? Why would I want anything to do with _you?_ "

They grab him by the shoulders hard enough that it hurts. "Will you fucking _listen to me?!_ "

Juno wants to scream, wants to get away, wants them to never touch him ever again. He shakes, and feels like he's going to drown. He can't breathe again. He can't fucking _breathe._

The closet door finally opens, and he sees Nureyev as well as Buddy. The cool air hits his face, and he thinks that helps him feel more real. 

Nureyev grabs Diamond by their shirt, and crashes them against the shelving of the closet. The cease of contact helps, definitely.

"Don't hurt them!" Juno has to shout, because they both have their weapons raised. He can't deal with being the cause of someone's death right now. Even theirs. Not when he can see it. "Please."

He grabs Nureyev's arm, his knife gripped tight in his hand. "Don't kill them."

Nureyev has tears on his face now too, looking Diamond straight in their eyes. "I heard everything through the comms. I know what they did to you, and if you think they deserve to _live-_ "

"I never said that." Juno gets out, he can't breathe his legs feel like jelly. "I-please stop-" He stammers, and hates himself for it. "I can't do this. I can't watch this right now." He feels like his knees might buckle under his own weight. "It's too much- I can't- I _can't-"_

Buddy stops him, and Juno can hardly even speak right now, so he's grateful. "As much as I'd like to do the same, Mr. Ransom, I don't think we should traumatize Juno anymore than he's already been tonight."

"You heard it as well, didn't you? They hurt him, and violated him, and made him cry, and-" Peter is shaking. 

Diamond stares up at the man with a knife at his neck, Juno's hand gripping it tight to make sure it doesn't hurt them. "You're dating a murderer, Juno? You really think he's any better than me? You're rejecting me for him, and expecting me to believe he doesn't hit you-"

A growl leaps from Nureyev's throat, as his arm tries to yank itself from Juno's grip. 

"Silence yourself, or my friend here will do it for you." Buddy snaps. "Ransom, look at Juno."

"I-"

"That's an order." 

Nureyev breathes hard through his teeth, and tears his eyes away from Diamond. He looks down at Juno, and he wonders what he sees, because he immediately looks like he feels very guilty. Maybe it's the fact that Juno is crying or how worried and scared he must look or the fact that he's well on his way to a panic attack, who the hell knows?

But he lowers his knife. "Alright, I won't kill them right now. We must get going before I change my mind."

Diamond wrinkles their face. "Like I'm really gonna let you get away with-"

Juno looks them dead in the eyes. "You owe me." He tells them, feeling far away. 

They sputter out something. "Well- I-" Then they look at all the weapons on all the people around them. Juno couldn't ever use his gun on them. He couldn't even push them away when they grabbed his shoulders. It felt wrong. They're not even dating anymore, but he never wants to hit anyone he cares about. "Fine." They grit out.

They escape through the window unscathed. Juno feels hollow. Angry. Somehow, although this has all been very upsetting, and he'll probably be having flashbacks for weeks, there's an emotion he didn't think he would feel. 

Satisfied. 

He finally was able to say what he wanted. He never wanted to see them again, and he still wishes he hadn't. Still, he's glad he got to say everything. After growing, and people showing him things. Nureyev, and how relationships should have always been, Rita who was before Nureyev, telling him that people hitting him in a relationship is a bad thing, hell, even the rest. All of them showing kindness that Diamond never did. 


	2. the blame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juno, Buddy and Nureyev have a talk about blame and shit

It isn't until they're driving away from the party that Juno finally feels safe again. Finally, when he feels like he can speak, he tells Nureyev, "You're crushing me." In a very tiny voice. Nureyev has been holding him in the back seat of the car. A few seconds ago, when the car jostled, and Juno flinched, Peter accidentally made the pressure around his middle a little too tight. He releases it just now. Not completely. 

Juno quits dissociating enough to think about what happened, and he feels hot tears sliding down his face again. A sob tear from his throat. "I'm sorry, guys. I totally made the mission way more difficult. I never should've said anything back to them. Shoulda just kept my mouth shut." Just the thought of it makes him sick. Diamond telling him all those things, without being able to say anything back.

"Shh," Peter comforts. "Oh, my dear, don't worry. None of this was your fault." Juno hiccups a sob, and Peter rubs his arm, running his fingers through his hair. "You have nothing to apologize for." 

"I could've- I dunno." He sobs. "I didn't have to talk to them."

Peter sighs against him. "It wasn't your fault. I for one, would never want to silence you. You deserve to tell the people who hurt you how it made you feel. I would never take that away from you."

"Eloquently put, Ransom." Buddy says. Juno looks over to see that she's gripping the steering wheel very hard. "If I was in your situation, I probably would have killed them as soon as I saw them. If I'd known what they'd done when I heard they were in there with you, the very same."

"Oh, I wanted to tear myself away from the conversation so badly." Nureyev sighs. "I've only heard pieces of this Diamond character a bit from you when-"

_When you wake up shaking from a nightmare._

_When you scramble away during sex, just saying, "I thought you were them." Before not talking anymore._

_When you flinch as we argue over the smallest things, like I'm going to hit you._

He doesn't say any of it, but Juno thinks of all the ways Diamond still affects him. All the things that will always affect Juno. The way it, in turn, affects Nureyev. 

"I didn't know to what extent they hurt you." Nureyev shakes his head. "I'm not sure that it matters. We shouldn't have left you alone with them. Who knows how much worse this could have gone?" He buries his face in his own coat. The coat Peter put on him at some point. He can't even remember that happening, but knows it must have. 

Juno looks around him. Nureyev's worried, angry voice. Buddy staring hard at the road like it will give her an answer to some question. The fact that Buddy hasn't gotten onto them about Nureyev being so touchy in the car, and the fact that Nureyev is gripping him like he will disappear. It's not a difficult conclusion to come to. 

"You're blaming yourselves." Juno remarks. 

Buddy sighs. "My dear, you've had a long night. We will be home soon, and it won't be any of your concern."

"It clearly fucking is." He snaps. "Why the hell are you blaming yourselves? It's my fault the mission got derailed. You guys literally _saved_ me."

Peter shakes a little. Juno can just barely feel it through the coat and he's holding him. "Fixing a problem I caused doesn't make me a hero. It means making a mistake. There was still damage done."

Juno scoffs. "We all got out of there without so much as a damn paper cut. There's no damage, Ransom."

"I suppose you _wouldn't_ have seen the bruises on your shoulders." Juno pushes the coat off his shoulder, and he sees the finger shaped bruises on his right shoulder. He wants…

He doesn't know. He knows he doesn't want the bruises to be there. Knows they make him feel sick. Diamond had always been strong, which is something Juno had always been into. Nureyev is strong too. Diamond never did know their own strength. They'd always left bruises on him like that. On his wrists when they would grab him, the slaps and punches that would manifest marks on his face, on his ribs, and he forgot how much they would grab his shoulders. Now that he thinks about it, he remembers all the careful movement, the caution around doors so he wouldn't bump them. 

Maybe they just did so because they wanted Juno to only be able to see them, or so he couldn't panic and lock himself in a closet as he so often did when they would start yelling at him. Maybe so he just _had_ to look at them.

Juno feels like he's going to cry again, but he won't. He doesn't want to. He takes a deep, ragged, shuddering breath at the sight of the bruises, before he resolutely slides the coat back into place. "They'll heal." He mutters. "What I'm saying is that it's none of your faults. Maybe it's no one's, okay?"

Buddy drives the car into the belly of the ship. "I should have shot my way to you. You should not have had to share such a small space with _them_." She says it with such disgust that Juno almost laughs. 

"Y'know I use to date them, right?" He watches her gather her supplies from the heist. "I use to share an apartment with them, hell I use to share a _bed_ with them."

She furrows her brow, and her voice shakes. "It should not have happened _under my watch_."

Juno hates the way Nureyev's voice sounds. Racked with guilt. "You're my girlfriend. My partner. I should have protected you. They should never have gotten the chance to hurt you in the first place."

" _Stop._ " Juno snaps at the two of them, and they both look. "Neither of you knew. I've never told anyone but Rita any of what they'd done to me. Even she doesn't know everything you just heard. Even she doesn't know they…"

_The half-memory of Juno turning the shower onto the hottest setting possible, hoping he could try to feel it long enough that the remaining touches of them would burn off, and scrubbing at his skin, and scrubbing, and scrubbing, and scrubbing. The pink of water mixed with his blood, going down the drain. Juno leaning over the toilet naked as Diamond held back his wet hair. Throwing up bile, as they mutter words that Juno couldn't quite decipher. Comfort, or more excuses, or telling him he's being dramatic, or further reasons they blamed him._

Nureyev puts a hand over Juno's to jolt him out of the memories. "You didn't know." He mutters.

"Still-"

"What did you think?" Juno asks them. "What was your thought process when I was in there with them?"

Buddy turns to look at him. They should already be out of the car right now, but it can wait. "I reminded myself that you're very capable of handling yourself." She tells him honestly. 

"I am. You're right. And as soon as I couldn't, you were there. If I couldn't I could have told you." He tells her. She doesn't seem to have a good reason to argue with him. 

Nureyev just fidgets anxiously. "I suppose I just didn't want you to lose a chance to get closure. I knew you had a gun on you, and I thought you would be… safe. That isn't to say I wasn't worried."

"I know. The way buddy talked about you kinda gave it away." Juno runs his fingers through his hair. "You trusted me. I'm grateful for that."

Nureyev looks at him all soft and mushy, and Juno does _not_ know how to deal with _that._ "Let's go inside, Juno. We both need a nap after today."

"You can say that again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha, another thing based on my own experience. will I ever stop using my fics to put my own messy situations into a more eloquent interpretation of how I wanted to say things? the answer is no.  
> will I realize that sometimes there's no easier way to say shit sometimes with such a limited vocabulary, and that it's okay to input all of the messy shit that comes with Talking? yes! I have!
> 
> it's all about the COMFORT. I want Juno to be comforted.  
> (points at grumpy, pretty lady with an eyepatch and a dick load of trauma) fuck everybody else I wanna write comfort/my imprinting on fictional characters for YOU


	3. hear me out, I know i'm wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> that fun little conversation about victim blaming

A few nights later, Juno stares up at the ceiling. "Nureyev." He says. 

He doesn't look up from his book, and his hand goes from the edge of that book, to Juno's arm. "Yes, love?" Just that. That characteristic tenderness that comes with being with Peter Nureyev. Of being loved by him. It nearly tears his heart in two. 

He turns on his side to look at him. He's sitting in the amber light of that cute dinosaur lamp that Rita gave them a while back. Sometime after they moved in together, sometime before Nureyev really became friends with Rita. His hand is soft on Juno's arm, and he turns to look at Juno with that soft, concerned expression that Juno is never sure if he should run away from, or if he should come closer. The small gap between them, and the knowledge that they care about each other filling any space that could have been awkwardness or tension.

Juno did this with Diamond too, of course. Shared a space, felt quiet and soft. A small break of chaos and violence. The quiet moments that Juno lived for when he was with them. It was always different for them to have it. It was a gap in time that never felt real in comparison to the normal. Juno had always taken a moment to recognize it, to categorize it, a specific moment in time where he felt  _ happy  _ with them. Those small moments, paired with all the times Diamond would treat him like a queen after a particularly bad beating, and Juno would almost anticipate that part. The  _ after.  _ With Nureyev he hardly thinks about all the good moments. It happens so often, he hardly has to. 

"Why did I stay with them?" He wonders out loud. "After… everything, why the hell did I stay with them?" He returns his gaze to the ceiling. "The night they-" Juno still has such a hard time saying the word. Especially after the constant  _ "you were dating it doesn't even count."  _ people and Diamond themself would tell him. "Raped me." There. It's out, and he resolutely doesn't look at Nureyev's face. "I told them that if they ever did that again that I would break up with them. Why didn't I break up with them  _ then _ ? Or all the times they hit me? Or all the times they told me I'd be doing the world a favor by off-ing myself? Or… you get the point."

Peter traces an abstract pattern on his arm. "I suppose I get the point. As for why you stayed with them, I don't have an answer. Sometimes jobs will go awry, and I've always left as soon as I knew I couldn't handle it." He explains. He spares a glance at him again. Indulgent, listening, like he wants to hear him fully.

So Juno turns away. There's a crack in their plaster ceiling from God knows what, that Juno memories with his eye. Then, "Why did I stay with them?" 

The concern in Nureyev's voice gets a little more prevalent. "Why do you think you stayed with them?"

"Maybe because we'd been fucking since I was sixteen and stupid? Because I was too stupid to realize how bad it was? Because I knew they'd never make me stop doing unhealthy shit? Because I was too pathetic to be alone?" He rattles off.

Peter sighs. "Juno, you keep talking about it like it's your fault."

"Well it is, isn't it?" Juno reasons. Nureyev gives him that concerned, loving look again. "No, look." He grumbles. "Like it wasn't  _ just  _ their fault. Sure, it was their fault that they hit me, but them hitting me wasn't  _ just their fault _ . I still started petty arguments and shit because I  _ knew  _ they would. It was their fault they did the action, though. That's what Rita said." He still doesn't quite understand that part, but he trusts Rita not to tell him something dumb about something so serious for him. "But they weren't the only thing making the relationship bad, Nureyev. I'm still the one who  _ stayed. _ "

Nureyev slowly closes his book, and straightens up. Juno feels a drop in the pit of his stomach. Anytime Juno disagreed with Diamond on these things they would quit doing whatever they were doing to give him a hard punch to the ribs, or a slap across his face. "How did you feel when you were with them, in terms of leaving them?" He asks.

Juno tries to steady his hammering heart. Nureyev won't hurt him. He can't hurt him. Juno knows that with such surety. He doesn't really have the energy for a filter right now, so he just says what comes to mind. "Like a bird in a cage." He says, "A butterfly with damaged wings. A plant in a pot too small." He chews on his cheek anxiously. "Trapped, small, restricted… quiet."

A look of pain passes over Nureyev's face, and his hand rubs comfortingly against him. "How many times did you try to leave them?"

Juno thinks back. Nightly arguments and screaming matches. "A lot." He says under his breath. "Too many to count. They kept telling me they were going to do better. They kept telling me that if I left, then there would be no one who could deal with my bullshit long enough to love me." How many times had he told them he was leaving, only for them to convince him not to time and time again? How gullible could he get?

"Juno, they were manipulative." Peter tells him. "Who can blame you for staying with them for so long? And you say you've known them since you were sixteen? How old were they?"

"Twenty two at the time." Juno doesn't really see how that's relevant. Sure, it's fucked up, but does it matter?

Peter blanches **,** looks physically sick. "That-" He squeezes Juno's hand. "I'm so sorry."

Juno hates that apparently it's  _ that bad _ . He knew it was bad, of course. In the back of his mind, when he would think of Diamond, but he always tried not to get too close to it. He's frustrated that he never knew when he was that age, that he's still always resisted thinking of it as bad enough to evoke that kind of reaction. "Get to your point."

"Of course, love. They probably, ah, started their acquaintance with you at such a young age so they would always have the control in the relationship.”

Juno shakes his head. “They weren't like an evil genius or something, Nureyev. They were kind of stupid." Juno liked that, actually. At the time, someone who wasn't all that smart made it easier to hide when he wasn't doing great. 

“I doubt it takes a lot of intelligence to manipulate a teenager, Juno.” Peter reasons. 

Juno looks up at the ceiling again. “So why didn't I leave them? Because they started the trap early on? Like I didn't ever have a chance to leave after that? They didn't put me under a spell or anything. What, so when I was twenty-three I just  _ forgot _ to leave?” He's getting snappy and he knows it, but this is a difficult topic. All  _ this _ , the remembering, the desire to get better. The need to just talk about it, no matter how frustrating. “I'm sorry, I just need to know. I need a logical explanation. I need  _ something. _ ”

Peter looks sad, but understanding. “Would you like to be held?”

Juno can't help the automatic response. “Yeah, please?” he leans closer. It takes a bit of shuffling, but Juno has his legs slung over Nureyev’s as he curls around him. His arm loops around Juno’s waist, holding him close and tight. Warm. He never wants to lose this. Juno lets out a happy sigh, and Nureyev is tall enough that he can rest his head on Junos. It's nice. He resists the ever looming urge to think it's too nice for him. 

He doesn't say anything, though. Nureyev notices, and says. “Juno, I do hope I haven't overstepped…”

"You haven't." He says immediately. "Promise you haven't. It's just difficult."

Nureyev holds him tighter, his other hand going to hold Juno's. After a moment of silence, Juno continues. "I stayed because I loved them. I stayed because they made me feel trapped. Because if I left then I was worried everything they said would be true. That there would be no one left to love me. I stayed because they treated me just as worthless as I thought I was. I stayed because there would always be this period where everything was so  _ nice, _ and made me happy. I stayed because I thought it was my fault anyways for being such a fuck up. I stayed because they made it easy to self-harm. I stayed because I didn't think I deserved happiness with someone. I didn't think I deserved  _ this." _ He gestures hopelessly to encompass everything he and Nureyev have.

Nureyev kisses his temple once, and Juno keeps going. "But it doesn't seem like  _ enough. _ It doesn't feel like a reason that's good enough to stay with them, and I feel stupid just thinking about it!"

He breathes hard, and hides his face in Nureyev's shirt. Tears start to slide down his face whether he likes it or not. "Oh Juno," He murmurs all comforting and soft. "Listen to me."

Juno shifts to look him in the eyes. He's really pretty, Juno thinks. His hair has grown out a bit more than he usually keeps it grown out, his arms are strong and steady around his waist with muscle and soft skin, his eyes just  _ so bright _ even while Juno is talking like  _ this _ . "I'm not sure any reason will be good enough in your mind for why you didn't just leave. I don't think it matters. You don't always  _ need  _ a good reason, darling. These things aren't always so cut and dry. When you were with them you probably thought that none of your reasons were good enough to leave them."

But it was  _ his  _ choice to stay, not Diamond's. At the end of the day Juno was the one who made the call to stay. He could have just left. He begins to voice it out loud. "I  _ knew  _ it was bad at the time we were dating. I'm not so naive that I thought we had a healthy relationship. So if I still stayed doesn't that mean it was my fault I got hurt? I mean-" 

Nureyev starts back up again. "No, Juno. I don't think so. They made you feel so unsafe and horrible that you felt as though you couldn't leave. Juno, it was their fault they hurt you. They made the choice to make you feel trapped, and made the choice to hit you. That was a conscious decision  _ they made. _ "

Juno's ears feel hot, and there's a thickness in his throat. He's already crying but he might just lose it in a second. His shoulders shake, and his breaths rattle in his lungs. "You're right. I know you're right. I  _ know that _ . I just hate that it doesn't feel like  _ enough  _ for me." A ragged sob tears through his throat.

Peter looks real goddamn worried now. "Oh, my dear, did i- are you-" in that awful, sweet voice that makes Juno feel all warm and safe. So obviously, violently different from the way Diamond used to treat him.

"Stop it." He sobs. "Please, just  _ quit it _ ."

Peter closes his mouth, and just holds Juno, his arms light. Juno wants more pressure, but he appreciates how easy it is for him to get out of. 

It doesn't take very long, in all honesty. He knows it couldn't have been more than a minute or two. It felt like an eternity. Peter just warm and all around him, making him feel that horrible, cold feeling in his chest ebb away. He cries himself out in a tiny matter of time. 

He thinks of Diamonds words, the whole, " _ You always start panicking like this when we have a serious conversation. _ " It makes him want to curl into a ball. "I'm sorry." He murmurs, wiping hastily at his eye. "Sorry you have to deal with all this dumb fucking crying. All my bullshit."

"I don't mind, love." Peter tells him. "I know it's a difficult conversation topic. Are you alright?"

"'M fine. Just wish it was easier to believe you. I keep thinking about how I want there to have been something to restrain me. Isn't that crazy? That I wish it were worse?" He shakes his head. "It's not like they locked me up in a tower or anything. I just… could have left whenever I wanted."

"There's more than one way to restrain someone." He reminds him. 

"I know." Juno mutters he cuddles closer to him, and plays with the hem of his sleep shirt. "When I was talking to Diamond. I told them it wasn't my fault. I told them that they shouldn't blame me. Just… right now I can't feel that way. I don't really get it."

Peter is such a loving partner. This entire time he's been supportive and comforting. Just now he kisses Juno's cheek, warms his palm into his waist. It's everything he wants. To share a space, and to share a feeling with this man. With Peter Nureyev specifically. When he's harsh and angry, but never violent or abusive with Juno. When he has bad breath in the mornings. When he blows raspberries into Juno's skin to make him laugh. 

"Well, I suppose that's normal. Humans are inconsistent, Juno. I know it wasn't your fault with absolute certainty. I will believe that as long as I need to." He hesitates before asking his question. "What did I do, that you needed me to stop? I guessed it was talking. Was it just too much noise, or?"

Juno wonders if Peter can feel him tense at all. He feels dumb in retrospect. He knows Nureyev was just trying to comfort him, but...

"It was the noise, and what you were saying. how nice you were being. Diamond was never like that. The contrast? It should be comforting to know I'm not in that situation anymore. It's kinda hard to explain." He feels frustrated that he can't explain it in a way that feels completely right. 

Nureyev shrugs slightly. "I think I understand for the most part. Sometimes the comfort of having a home makes me feel like panicking." he mentions quietly. 

"Thanks." he mutters. "And sorry again for all that."

"As hard as it is to see you upset, I always want to be here for you. If that makes sense." he laughs, says the words like he means it. "So, anytime, Juno."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, the aftermath of a fuck ton of victim blaming and manipulating is frustrating.


End file.
